I was amused last week when someone suggested that I write a blog on how to have a positive attitude when you're riding. Probably because I don't think I always have the best attitude and it takes me conscious effort to monitor it and keep it positive. 
So here are my top five strategies to fix your attitude and emotions when you're not feeling so great. Obviously this can all be applied to your riding, but I think it's easier to sit down and use these strategies for life in general and then try to apply them to riding. 
1. Fake it
2. Role play in your mind a different outcome
3. Make a list of everything negative you are feeling and change it to a positive list - I am, I can
4. Watch your reactions - if you're reacting and feeling negative even though you're thinking positive
​5. Tell a story like it already happened 

Strategy 1 - Fake it: When I have a not so great day and I catch myself (key point, because sometimes I am not aware I am in a foul mood) then I take whatever is the negative and change it to positive and repeat it in my head and out loud. If I feel like garbage, I tell myself "I feel great". If i'm nervous about riding a young horse I say "I love riding young horses", which I do! 

Strategy 2 -Role play: This is the BEST exercise that has changed my emotions and reactions with riding. I role play out scenarios and outcomes in my head all the time. If I am having bad thoughts about a horse taking off and bucking or bolting, I tell a story to myself about having the BEST dressage ride of my life. 

This strategy works beyond just horses as well. When I have BAD childhood memories come up I always take time to relieve them in a positive past. Here's an example I used recently for Halloween last fall. 

I never had a happy Halloween until this last one. I had this really bad memory come up about a week before Halloween about my mom dressing me up as a clown as a child when I was about 3 years old. I was EMBARASSED and mortified, I HATE the color red and I couldn't understand while all these people were poking and prodding at me. So I threw a temper tantrum, and she dragged me to the car and started spanking me until I would shut up. Yeah...so I had to change that memory. 

Beyond that, by age 8 she decided that I was too old for Halloween and would never take us to town, help us find costumes, etc. I just wanted to be cool and included like the other kids but all I had was an Snow-white costume that was too small to fit by the time I was in elementary school. 

So these bad memories come up around holidays and this is how I change them. 
Did I mention that I had the BEST Halloween ever this year?

I keep a white board that I write out my feelings on. Then it's easy to erase after I am done working. I labeled it Halloween and I ran TWO scenarios. The first scenario was the Halloween of my childhood. I made myself write down what a PERFECT Halloween night  would have been at that age. How I wanted it to go. How I wanted my mom to be warm and understanding instead of cold and selfish and angry at me for acting out. I even wrote out what I wanted to wear as a costume (Pocahontas duh with super cute moccasin shoes with beads on top! Not a red effing clown with a bright red nose!!!) and sketched it out in detail. 

Then I wrote out what my best Halloween would look like for Halloween 2020. But I didn't imagine it in the future. Instead, I told the story in past tense about going out with my friends, hanging out with the people that mean the most to me, driving my favorite uber clients around, etc. I always tell myself to push my imagination one step beyond, so on a statement like this I would ask myself, What were your wearing? Who were your friends? What were they wearing? What was the music and atmosphere at the barn? Etc. 

The key point is not to just change the thought, but to change the feeling. I had to go from a feeling of cold and unloved to a feeling of warmth and love to be able to change my attitude about Halloween and say it was the BEST Halloween ever. 

I know I made this sound serious, but you can have a LOT of fun when you role play with your imagination. Sometimes I force myself to really build that castle in the sky, the more bogus, the better, and then it all kind of normalizes in the life. It helps you really change that emotion and reaction behind the thinking. 

Strategy 3 Making Lists: If i'm struggling with a particular emotion or feeling I usually make a list of all the bad feelings and then in the column next to it write out that feeling in a positive light. For example, If i'm feeling unwanted and alone, I write out WHY i feel so unwanted and alone and then I change it to positives. So I struggled with this today because I desperately wanted to go do something fun but it's like pulling teeth to get people to go out and do fun things.
So on my negative side I had things like "I text everyone so I feel like I belong"
"I like to go do things to avoid being at peace with myself"
"I feel overwhelmed and pressured to be cool and talkative"

Then I change it to positives like" 
"I am fucking cool"
"I LOVE to talk" 
"I am a ray of sunshine and people love to hang out with me"
"I am comfortable in myself and don't need others to validate me"

But the bigger question I always ask myself: "What am I avoiding in myself by searching for in others?" What is that feeling of being "wanted" that I chase. When I can answer that questions, I know that I am in the right direction to change my attitude. 

Using positive words in this category like "I am" and "Today was the best" goes a long way in changing the attitude too!

Strategy 4 Reactions and Feelings: If you're trying to change your attitude in your head, you're all wrong. Life is about feeling and reactions. If you can master NOT REACTING and being a blank space, then you're already farther ahead of everyone else. Seriously. It's not "thinking" that "I feel great today" it's the actually energy and emotion of feeling great. 

I think this category is most applicable to horses. Your greatest skill as a rider is to have a poker face and blank space and not react. It works magic in life too. Someone starting drama? Don't react. Someone trying to put enthusiasm and energy behind something that is no big deal? Don't react. Someone making mountains out of molehills? Just watch the water flow by and don't react (obviously easier said than done!). 

Strategy 5 Tell a story like it already happened: 
I do this all the time when I want something in life. If I'm headed to a clinic and I am NERVOUS, I tell myself we are driving home, it was fantastic, my horse was amazing, and I vividly describe all the details. It already happened and it was great! I always push my imagination too and try to build a castle in the sky, especially in today's world where my brain feels numbed by social media and I can't stretch my imagination like I used to. 

So tonight I really want to go do something fun right? Well, what does that really mean? You see, if you want it, you have to be specific. So here's what I want tonight and of course I'm going to tell it in past tense like it really happened. 
"First, around 3 pm I worked out and rowed for thirty minutes, lifted weights, and then biked for another 15. Then I went to the barn and did evening chores and got things set up for tomorrow. I came home and showered and my friends texted me and agreed to meet me at the PIT because I really wanted to go DO something. You see, I am a DOER not a talker. So first we played mini golf and I beat them at it and then we rode on the go Karts and that was pretty fun too. Around 8 pm someone texted me for an uber ride and that was fantastic because they paid me a lot of money to drive them and I needed that money for hay tomorrow. Then around 10 pm one of my friends called me and I got to hang out with him too. We laughed and giggled so much it made my belly hurt. I was in bed by 1 am and I couldn't wait to get up and train horses tomorrow!"

I'll take a statement like this and then add details and make it more vivid. What could I imagine to push this evening beyond limits and make it even better?

​These are the strategies that work for me. Hope it helps for you too! 

Are you beating yourself up over your riding today? Then this blog is written for you. Today I am cutting up my thoughts on what is "good enough" and "dressage perfection" and renaming it: Things that make me happy in life. 

What is "good enough"? I always think that focusing on being "good enough" kind of implies insecurity, like you're holding yourself up to a standard that is beyond your reach. It can't be good for happiness either if you're always searching for something that is beyond your reach. But if you live in the present moment, which I always aspire to do, then it's easier to accept what is good enough and have a road map to make progress. I think as dressage people and horse people in general we destroy our self esteem on a quest to always be better and "good enough". 

So my first question is, how do you define good enough for yourself? 
Is it winning? What if your class was 1 of 1 and you make a stellar facebook post of that blue ribbon with lots of likes? What if you're class place was 2 of 62, will anyone still care? Which one of those placings is going to make you a hell of a lot happier on your trailer ride home? 
Is it making measurable progress with your horse and riding from week to week and month to month? Can you take that same skill set you learned on one horse and create results on another horse? 
Is it happiness and going on fun adventures with your horse? 
Is it having your basic needs met outside the barn (house, car, food, money in the bank, horse trailer, and a nice horse?) 
Is it being a better rider than your competition? 
Is it going the extra mile to work out, write blogs, and scrub water buckets? 
Is it having enough clients to pay the bills and still leave you stress free? 

I know I am right where I need to be. I know that for the number of resources that I have, the income that I have, the two jobs that I work, the frequency of local lessons and clinics that are available, it's actually quite perfect. Four years ago when I moved here I was scammed about a rental house on Craigslist. As a result I spent the next 6 weeks living without electric and it was an especially cold winter here in the south. I remember wrapping up in my wool jacket to sleep at night and praying that a solution would come through soon. I would also drive Uber to ungodly hours in the morning just to pay bills while I established my business. But now I have my own house, car, truck, trailer, fancy horses and disposable income that I can spend on lessons and clinics. So if someone cuts down my riding i'm honestly probably thinking that life is great right now and not worried about being perfect. My basic needs are now met, so I am happy and my horses are making progress. I know that I have made tremendous progress over the last four years and I continue to grow in my riding and training. Also, the thought of coming home to a house with no power and no heat and laying in a dark cold room on a floor with no bed makes me exceptionally grateful to be sitting here typing in an easy chair wrapped in a blanket with the heat in my house cranked to 74 degrees. 

Also, those clients and special people in my life that let me bum showers during that hard time - those are the people that you don't forget. 

Seriously. 

I notice that often times people have different perceptions of good enough. For example, a person only obsessed with winning might not realize that your measure of "hey, it's good enough, i'm making progress" is based on having a stable home environment, money in the bank, a truck, trailer, car, then fancy horses and lessons/clinics, and then winning. 

Almost 12 years ago I was in a bad car accident that left me in a wheel chair and unable to walk, so the very fact that I can wake up, walk, and get on and ride my horse makes it "good enough".

So quit judging. Quit being hard on yourself. Everyone is right where they need to be.
​You can't push the river, so stop making mountains out of molehills until the timing is right. 

The funny thing is...it was like the day I finally quit actively worrying about being "good enough" in my head was when something changed and I finally made progress and started getting good. 

When I look back on my old pictures I can see a progression of how I established contact through the years. Sometimes my hands were way too high and the reins were way too loose, other times my hands were too restrictive and blocking the horse from moving freely forward. I suppose that's why contact is so elusive. 

As I become more experienced at teaching i've learned that it's easier to break down certain ideas into rules or categories. I teach a lot of kids, and I have "3 rules for holding the reins" and "3 rules before asking for the trot" etc to help drill the basics into their mind. 

These are my "THREE" ways to fix your contact without directly shortening your reins (and you know, if you're riding dressage at a very sensitive level reaching across and shortening your reins might be too much!)

HANDS
ELBOWS
ARMPITS

HANDS: Let's start with hands. Every novice rider tries to shorten the contact by pulling backwards behind the saddle. Don't be that rider. One of the "rules" I tell my kid students is to never let your hands go behind the saddle. If your hands are behind the saddle when you stop, then you needed shorter reins! 

But without taking a big reach like a kid would to shorten the reins, how do adults shorten them tactfully and quietly without pulling on the horses mouth? First, you can crawl down the reins like a spider navigating a web for certain occasions. Or you can just squeeze your hands really hard like you're squeezing a kitchen sponge - but make sure you release as soon as you do that and your hands return to being soft like holding a baby kitten. Squeezing your hands like a kitchen sponge is more like a half-halt that you apply when the horse is rushing forward. Here's where it gets tricky though! If the horse is running through my hands, then I half-halt with two hands! If i'm just trying to make the horse round I will only squeeze and hold (until the horse yields) with my outside rein (that's just one hand). So sometimes your contact is different within each hand.  

Just as you take, you also must give! When I release with my hands I often open just my ring finger to allow the horse to go forward into the contact before closing the door. If the horse is carrying along in a great rhythm and staying quiet and soft I make SURE my hands are soft and inviting. 

ELBOWS: They can move wide like a triangle to take up space, or forward and back like a zombie to give or take up space. Your elbows are so dynamic and have to be so soft and feeling in the saddle. So if you need to take up just a few inches of rein but your horse is soft in the bridle and you don't want to disturb the contact by shortening the reins, you can just spread your hands wider than your elbows and that automatically shortens the rein. This isn't forever, or for the show ring, just a quick way to pick up a little contact without disturbing your horse in his mouth. 

You can also push your elbows forward to give the horse more freedom and move into the contact, or you can bring your elbows back to your hips (but never behind) to hold when you are bringing a horse into the contact. If you want to keep the contact steady with your horse - pay attention to your elbows. 

ARMPITS: This is really meant to say your whole arm, but I like the word armpit better because it makes kids listen up and know exactly what I mean. So, if you have a naughty pony pulling against your hands, you will squeeze your arms to your armpits to strengthen your core and hold. If your horse is being a good pony then you will have a little distance between your arm and your side and they will be soft and not clamped. If your reins are too loose and you need to pick up the contact without disturbing your horse in the mouth you can open your whole arm and take up a lot of space in the reins just by opening the gap between your arm and armpit....and then maybe crawl down the reins like a spider to slow take up the contact and then once it is taught bring your arms back in. 

But that is all assuming two reins and the same rein effect, and contact is more dynamic than that!

PRACTICAL APPLICATION #1: Riding on the circle and changing the bend 
So in dressage they have this thing where your horse should be in your "outside" rein. So that means if you're traveling on a circle you should have more feel/pressure in that outside rein. Now let's change direction. When you pick up your new outside rein you need to let the old one slide about 1 cm to 1 inch and take the same amount on the new one so the horse can actually bend their head in the new direction. Or if you don't want to do that through your hands you can do it temporarily through your elbows and then adjust the reins a few strides later. See? Contact is tricky and we didn't even talk about the adjustments you make to your seat and leg in that paragraph! 

PRACTICAL APPLICATION #2: Making your horse round
When you make your horse round and you start with wider hands/elbows and a longer rein as the horse goes round it will shorten the neck. So don't let the floppy floppy continue! This is when you get to crawl down the reins like a spider and "take" that extra rein the horse gives you as it shortens his neck and goes rounder. You need to be savvy (like in the moment and feeling), soft, and fast, and pick up the slack before your horse sticks his head back up. 

So when your trainer says "Hey, it's time to pick up the contact", do you have a plan of how you are going to adjust your body to achieve the contact? Or are you just gonna pull? 

My POKER FACE is my emotion, and I do not let it react when I ride my horse. 
My BLANK SPACE is the emptiness in my head when I ride. It is CLEAR and devoid of words and chatter. 

How do you ride the spicy ones? I just hold my position and don't react. I wish I could write you a long blog post of tips and suggestions to get your emotions and mental chatter under control so that you're horse can hear you and your aids, but I can't seem to put the secret sauce into words other than two metaphors - that I ride with a Poker Face and a Blank Space. 

I am a thinker, and I have a little voice in my head that chatters sometimes. But I also have control over my emotions and my mind, and I turn that button off when I ride, and you should too! How can you effectively communicate with your horse if you're still thinking about the dishes you left in the sink, how angry or discouraged you feel, or who you need to text when you get off the horse? A good focused rider is not going to be thinking like that when they are trying to accomplish something on a horse. 

I am a bigger believer in living in the present moment. You are riding a 1200 lb horse and your safety depends on being focused and in the moment. Not the future or your goals, not the tantrum your horse had yesterday - just the present moment of now now now. What is "Now?"  Or the better question is, "How do I find now?"

When I am riding and I catch my mind drifting I always use touch and sound to bring it back. I feel the reins with my gloves, I listen for the footfalls of my horse, and I redirect my mind to riding in the present moment. If it's not related to a sensation or feeling of now, then it's not the present. 

Just a POKER FACE and BLANK SPACE.

Now let's talk about it applied to real life. 
First, the POKER FACE. This is your emotional reaction to words, ideas, actions, etc. You know that person that makes big drama out of the weather? The opposite of that is the person that doesn't seem to react or be phased by the upcoming weather. You see, when I hear there is a big storm coming I don't react to it emotionally. I might react in ways that prepare me and my horses like putting blankets on, filling water troughs, etc, but I don't get emotional over it. Compare that with the person that has to tell everyone with words and robust energy that the BIG STORM IS COMING... 

Now honestly tell me, which person do you think your horse is going to feel more comfortable with? Obviously, the person that doesn't react emotionally will help your horse feel safe and secure and the person reacting to the storm has already convinced your horse that we are all going to be eaten by tigers and die . So I challenge you to go through your daily life and ask yourself if you are reacting emotionally to the little things that happen throughout the day. It can be as simple as the feelings you get in your body when a text message comes through on your phone, or if you have a POKER face and you just let it roll off and let go. 

The next is my BLANK SPACE. 
You know when you want to think about a boy all the time? Or that person that drives you crazy keeps coming into your thoughts? Or the little voice inside of your head keeps chattering? I try to not let my mind think about those things. When I feel my mind wander like that, I actively push it out of my mind and focus on the feeling of the squishy mud under my boots or actively coiling up the hose to put it away. I try to live 100% in the moment. That means i'm not thinking about what happened on my horse yesterday. I am also not thinking about what is for dinner. I am ONLY thinking about riding my horse and being in the present moment. Are you? 

I challenge you to go through your day tomorrow and try to catch yourself trying to think ahead or in the past and try to diligently bring your mind back to only being in the present moment. So can you ride with a POKER FACE and BLANK SPACE?